#which felt like forever ago
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eepy eepy
#a not-so unanticipated sequel to my jamil tsum post back in the beginning of march#which felt like forever ago????#this is still technically relevant bc the tsum event is still ongoing on the jp server#THIS IS THE LAST TSUM POST I SWEAR#I'M OVER THEM (i'm not)#[—✦-#-✧ my art#twst art#twst#twisted wonderland#jamili viper#twisted tsumderland#tsumsted wonderland#-✦—]#i’ve had this doodle sitting in the drafts for like a week now ngl#i’m v tired my brain refuses to let me draw anything past the sketch phase 😔#see yall in 2-3 ish days when i’m done with finals hell 🫡
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It is December 14th
#it is late in the night#the time which many years ago would’ve seen you at the door#armed with teddies and warm milk#I want to keep it open#I want you to be there#when you died the world started breaking and I’m speaking in metaphors because the reality of it all is too much too cruel#you died and the earth kept spinning and I had to do that physics test and nothing felt right and nothing is#I close my eyes and feel the warmth the stretch of arms bigger than mine the leather jacket worn soft#kind eyes and a laugh like bubbles#I don’t want to be poetic I just want you not to be dead#I’ll miss you forever#always always always#grief
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I wrote this long before Ashton and Fearne became A Thing, pinky promise!!
This old fic of mine has been getting a lot more attention lately, which is odd considering I posted it a year and a half ago, but I’m not gonna complain!! I’m still very proud of this one honestly, it’s by no means perfect and there are plenty of things I would change if I had written this more recently, but even still, for a 6.6k word, almost entirely fluff, fanfic? It does it’s job well, and I’m proud of it
Anyway. I’m reposting it again because it’s been getting a lot more attention. If it continues to get more and more attention, maybe I’ll start writing and posting again <3
#thinking abt sept ‘22 when I started writing this and feb ‘23 when I posted this and now july ‘24 when I’m reposting this#sept ‘22 was a really really hard time for me which without going into too much detail definitely reflected a lot of Ashton’s emotions here#feb ‘23 was when I finally felt like I had found my place and I had found my people and like I was allowed to become someone I liked#now I’m here and I’m rereading stuff I wrote forever ago and I’m just amazed to see how much has changed#I wrote this because I have a habit of projecting on to Ashton (they are my fav tbh)#but now I’m rereading it and I’m just as much Orym in this fic as I am Ashton#and a lot of the conversations that are had in this fic parallel some conversations I had with my partner last night which. ouch!!#anyway that was my long sappy spiel about how emotional I am reading something that I wrote when I was at my worst now that I’m really okay#please read this. it’s good. I promise#critical role#bells hells#ashrym
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Whenever I see someone being transphobic on twt in a bridget thread i reply with three pictures of my mains: ky kiske from ac+r, ky kiske from rev 2, and ky kiske from strive.
it self selects for people who actually play the game. it’s canon that he’ll fight off transphobes with the blade. and if they actually played guilty gear they’d get the underlining messages
While it can be really funny to bully these guys back, please keep in mind that nothing you can say or do to these people will hurt them or waste as much of their time as what they say will stick with you or waste your time. It might be funny to send them a bunch of Ky pictures, but what they're doing is laughing that the only response the people they hate can give them is sending a bunch of pictures of anime boys.
The only thing that works is blocking them. They've turned being an asshole into a recreational sport and getting any sort of response in return is a victory for them.
#asks#Unfortunately I was an asshole on the internet once (not a vicious transphobe just a basic internet asshole)#I know exactly how these people function because I was there once...#When you don't take the person you're arguing with seriously it's very easy to laugh at every single thing they do#Which is what these guys are doing. It doesn't matter how well thought out the counter argument is. They don't care and they won't care#All you can hope for is that they're young and they grow out of it (I did)#I feel bad for them because I think about what led to me being like that decades ago. Are they going through the same thing?#I was like that because I was in a hopeless situation and hated myself and hated everyone else#People arguing back just proved my point that everything sucked and my hate was justified#It's an awful feedback loop. People being kind to me felt disingenuous. Why should they be kind? I hated them. They had no reason to be nic#I had to get to a point where I was willing to help myself crawl out of that pit before I let anyone else even get near me emotionally#I still remember the day when I realized I was being a fucked up little shit to everyone lol#Early June 2011. It was sunny with no clouds and there was a cool breeze. I was listening to In This Moment and I realized#'What the hell am I doing? Do I want to be like this forever? Get your shit together man'#It was a slow process from there but I did get out of it. Slowly. Very slowly.#There's a lot I did that I regret and can't ever apologize for because it was so long ago and the names and faces are gone now#Apologizing at this point would be selfish and only for my benefit anyway. I can only hope that what I did didn't hurt people permanently#Anyway. I've never talked about this on here before because it's the kinda shit that gets put on callout posts out of context#So. I am laying my naked soul bare and raw for the sake of underlining my original point: Internet trolls don't care
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Me when someone casually mentions Star Trek
#YES HELLO I AM HERE TO TALK ABOUT STAR TREK#nice to talk to you blah blah blah GET TO THE STAR TREK#YOU MENTIONED STAR TREK?#I apologize but now you just endure all of this#I AM HERE NOW PLEASE TELL ME YOUR STAR TREK OPINIONS#me with another social media friend I knew for 3 weeks like 20 years ago#I am deeply unwell#clearly did not go to spleep#I got distracted by talking to a real human person and not just a creepo in my Instagram dms#memeish#melts into oblivion#she was like MLK and Uhura and Mae Jepson and I was like and she was in TNG and nerding out forever#I will get a life soon but not right now#priorities#it was a rough evening before that I felt terrible physically which is why I should go to bed#go go neelix bedtime
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#not snz and not a vent... just passive musing#had a dream two nights ago where someone who i used to know (and love a little) wished me goodbye with a#kiss to the hand before i flew away from them forever on a magic chair#which is very stud//io g//hi//bli-esque and frankly very unserious but#the feeling of grief i felt saying goodbye to a friendship which i had once held so close to me - and which i know can probably never#be as close as it was at that point in my life - stuck with me for a long time even after i woke up#it's been something i've been thinking about for awhile... but the dream felt like such a concrete and painful severance#i think that like a childish part of me wants to hold the people i'm close to at#the same distance and trust that they will stay there forever#but logically i know it's natural that the people i met under certain circumstances might drift apart once those circumstances change#for one or both of us... i guess friendship really is just a lucky convergence at one point in time where everything aligns#like i know this and i have known this for awhile but god does it hurt#especially those kinds of goodbyes that feel so gradual... not like a clear severing of ties but just a gradual disappearance#i think i probably have to not feel so hung up over what i used to have. and for the most part i am not; life goes on#but for those people?#i sometimes just miss them#there's a special kind of hurt knowing that i could reach out to them and say hello and that they would probably respond but that it might#never be quite the same again
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Fanny, my sweet, beautiful girl
17.11.2012 – 14.04.2019
#my art#artists on tumblr#I cannot accept that it has been 5 years already#I know covid messed with everyone’s sense of time but it simultaneously feels so much longer and so much shorter than that#exactly five years ago I was holding onto my mom for dear life and sobbing as we watched lilo and stitch together#not the best movie to watch when you’ve just lost your first ever pet you know#and then I cried myself to sleep at the next morning we never mentioned her again#I know it’s because it was way too painful for everyone involved. but I do wish I was allowed to process that grief properly#instead of bottling it up and pretending everything was okay until I was reminded of her#feeling like my heart was being shattered over and over again every single time#well anyway. enough of that. I’ve allowed myself a nice long cry today and got most of it out of my system#and once I was feeling okay I decided to draw her#and I can count the number of times I’ve drawn animals on one hand so.. I’m not too sure about the result#but it felt like to commemorate her in some way.#so yeah. here she is. my dear girl. the best dog in existence. she was always so affectionate and kind#which I didn’t always appreciate bc of how young I was. when you’re a kid it feels like pets will live forever#never barked. never bit anyone. her only crime was chewing on my mlp and lps toys that I left out on the floor#but I’m grateful she did that. it taught me not to leave my toys lying around and to clean up after myself#she really was taken from me way too soon. ideally she could still be alive right now. but I’ve been down the road of guilt and regret#there was nothing I could do. I was a child. I can only hope that she knew she was loved right until the very end#even if I didn’t know how to show it properly. and great. now I’m tearing up again#I suppose it’s unavoidable. April 12th will always be a melancholy day. and maybe that’s not such a bad thing#it’s good to have a day when I can freely remember her and cry if I need to. it’s healthy. it’s better than crying every day#she never liked it much when I cried. always tried to comfort me. that’s the kind of dog she was. I miss her so much#when I move apartments and get a dog of my own I’m getting a spaniel. just like she was#well. maybe a different colour so I don’t end up sobbing every time I look at it. but spaniels really are the perfect breed#I mean. cavaliers especially were bred for love and warmth. that’s just what I need. it will be nice to have someone waiting for me at home#and while I don’t necessarily believe in the afterlife… I do hope that Fanny’s watching over me#spiritually comforting me when I feel all alone in the world. it’s a nice thought for sure#and hopefully she won’t mind me getting another spaniel too much. it will be done in her honour after all. to make up for my past mistakes
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i cant stop thinking abt him... have been doing that all daynd i feel so sad nd my heart hurtsso bad nd i long for him sm it's just a bad day :((
#it's bc i saw that he#uploaded his background which was just nothing. and said that he feels empty#and a couple of months ago before i ruined it all#he said that he had me as his background#so now i feel so fkn sad#i dont know why im like this but i feel so crazy about him i wanna die#i think about him constantly and i'venever ever wanted to be with or know someone this badly#and to know that he sees me as a disappointment... and not good enough for him... and that he doesnt love me enough to wanna fix it#or even have a 'it' with me#hurts so bad#so now im just in an awful headspace...#i hate myself so much#i wish i could go back and not do what i did#i did it bc i thought it'd bring me closer to him#but i was wrong and i didnt understand that until now#and instead it caused him to think im not what he thought i was or what he wants me to be#and no matter how much i try to explain i realize thatonly i understand#bcmy brains broken and no one could ever understand why i do what i do#i am alone. always and forever i will never know closeness or intimacy#the thing is thatbefore i met him i was fine w that#i kinda longed for it but i had resigned myself to a life without it#then i met him nd it felt real nd like it could bereal for me#plus i genuinely like him sm i feel sm for him so i desperately want it w him#but then..... it turned out that im not good enough for him#it just rlly hurts that the ONLY time i've ever wanted someone#and it started w them wanting me back#who i am was a disappointment nd i fucked it up bc of a misunderstanding#that i cant clear up bc i cant make anyone understand my fucked up broken reasoning#i will bealone forever and i just wanna die
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mfw. theres no actual point to my existence
#txt#i dont remember any of my childhood + i have no future that isnt just me looking after my brother and i always have to think of it so i#cant die anyways#and because of my crappy childhood (which i can barely remember) im unable to form healthy attachments anf have healthy relationships with#people i love and care about#and my sense of self and how i view otehrs is permenantly ruined and ill never be the same ill never be a kid#ill never get to be ok in the way i shouldve as a cjhild#i wasnt even safe online i was in a crpapy abusive friendship / relationship for a good few years and felt powerless and felt so much dread#and i got itno things i shouldnt have and no one saved me#or said anything#no one cared or did anything#no one treated me nicely#no one ever will#im doomed#im nt meant to be here#i wasnt meant to exist#i was supposed to be long gone forever ago#i shouldve fuckign died back in middle school like i hoped#mybe i shouldve gotten into a lousy car crash i dont know i dont want to be here#i have no purpose besides looking after my brother but tghats it#he shouldnve have been born i shouldnt have been born#my parwnts shouldve never married or gotten together or even met
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Hi there :) A year has passed (or close enough) so: how are the feelings about "This Is How You Lose The Time War" now? ;-)
My brother (genderneutral), you'll be so glad to hear I literally just bought the book a week ago because I need to devour it whole
#i borrowed it the last time i read it#which was all good and well#except i wasnt allowed to write in it#and also i couldnt go back to it every time i felt like it#which was and is often#but i finally got it#and am now counting the pages of my current book cause i cant wait to read tihylttw next#so yeah#im still very much obsessed with it thank you#(seriously thank you this ask made me so happy)#(i will forever be glad to gush about this book)#(also just saw a lost quoting the 'i am your echo' line and hsjskskskj)#(i subconsciously used a very similar line in a piece of my own writing not so long ago)#(and was like i know this is a reference but i cannot remember - )#(i can remember now!!!)#(conclusion: this book haunts me in all the best ways)#anyway thank you for popping in i love you have a hug#this is how you lose the time war
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yknow I play a lot of hard games but usually not "took 73 days to beat" hard
#aka gUESS WHO JUST BEAT RAIN WORLD. AFTER TWO AND A HALF MONTHS#rain world#peridots-nonsense#i got into subterranean like a week ago but have been mostly hanging around by the worm grass shelter for 20 cycles#i went to every region (even if i only spent a couple minutes total in drainage lol). met every echo besides the farm arrays one.#got every passage achievement (every one besides dragon slayer/wanderer in outskirts and industrial within my first few weeks of playing)#and never used a passage anyway. three months!!! rounding up a little! for a game that can be beat in less than 20 cycles.#dh was twelve days (though i'd played through part of it years earlier). stray was seven hours. insc was only a couple days.#i've done two separate ultkill playthroughs so not sure which to count but both were less than a week#hk was actually just over a month. may 24 to june 26th. which is still so much less than this. bftes about a month too#i remember how even just a week into rw i felt like i'd been playing it forever...even just a week in i knew it would be one of Those Games#where i wish i could play it over for the first time again. boy was i right. it almost felt like a second life at times#i loved just running around in certain areas building up stores of food and spears and vulture masks#(what comes to mind are / HI_S02 / CC_S05 / SI_S04 / SB_S07. the first two felt like home!)#(* up in the sixth tag i missed the friend. i was relishing in hubristic bloodlust especially in CC so i didn't have much time for taming)#if the tags here seem particularly incoherent i only falsely apologize. i'm just. reminiscing. i don't think i can do anything else#my heart was pounding as soon as i reached the depths. after 325 cycles. 116 hours. two and a half months. it's over.#maybe a little dramatic but hey it took up an invariable portion of my life for a fifth of a year so. it's just interesting#anyway. a standard ''i took too long on this and now the sun's rising'' goodbye to you tag-wanderer
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if i call in sick to work i shld tell them im having symptoms of emotional turmoil, physical agony n excessive bleedinfg so im gonna stay home bye
#dont have to give details i just think itd be a funny way to describe this monthly torment#also i rly am lucky i work at ass oclock in the morning cuz none of the managers are there yet#n us 5am ppl are the earliest to show up in my department so i just talk to whoever has the guy in charge phone#n its no one who will care so thats p nice#i do get anxious anyway but im just insane#also i always feel all guilty n embarrassed bleh#unless ofc i rly am mega sick#n ill have to let my mom know sometime if i do cuz she drops me off before she goes to her job#i always feel awkward n bad having to tell her im stayin home#overthinking forever yay#gotta figure this out#i just know if im at work tomorrow even if everything isnt fucked or awful like it can be there#n i feel how ive felt sometimes today like physically#dont wanna be thereeeee n im already gonna be in pain from working n now extra emotional. dies#according to my phone call history i called in like Exactly 2 months ago#which is more than the 3 months they want in between call ins but i dont think anyone else cares abt that#like coworkers of mine i mean#hmmmmmmm#p
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Just some hcs re her og games
Johanna's name is called and her world goes white. A peacekeeper has to pull her onstage and I personally see Jo's "image" as her plain dissociating through the entire process. It never really stopped. She was 3 months from being 18.
Aspen Ridley, who at 16 was already working with the best of their district's lumberjacks, is called next and he goes for the opposite. He aims for brawn but years later Johanna will just see a veneer of it over terror. They never get along and she never quite mourns him. It is very complicated.
The idea of playing meek came to her when she heard Aspen telling Blight he wanted to work alone. It made everything more "real" and that she was alone. Why not use it to her advantages?
The interview with Caesar was bad. She barely speaks louder than a mumble and when Caesar tries to prod her about her family she clams up and ends up walking off stage.
Aspen goes to court careers, she keeps to herself, and their fates seem sealed when he gets a 9 and she a 2 after faking being incapable of throwing an axe. They cheer to Aspen and Johanna goes up to her room. The two tributes never speak again.
The Cornucopia was infamous because there was barely any supplies besides weapons. It ended up being one of the goriest bloodbaths in the game's history as people picked up on something was up.
Aesthetic was a large redwood forest with massive trees. Quickly people learned the twist as the forest itself was rotted with the water having a metallic taste and the few animals weak and starving. Any food taken from them not worth whatever was lost hunting them. Once whatever came from the cornucopia was gone that was it.
Johanna's first kill was a D6 male who she bumped into a few days into the competition while looking for food and water. It was a very her or him moment and well, it was her. She took his supplies and realized then what they expected them to do.
Next a D4 boy who fell asleep under her tree one night. His scream alerted Careers to her and she barely got away with her life and only a 1/3 of hid things. Aspen promised to hunt her and kill her but himself is killed after failing to do so...Johanna was only a few feet away. He did track her down. She stole his axe.
Next is a girl from 11 ; she's getting better. She starts to trail the Careers staying to the trees picking off what she could.
Blight sends her nothing as he realizes that if she wants to play this stealthy then he can't risk a supply drop giving her away...not to mention removing her desperation to survive that is making her kill.
End game a crater splits the arena and forces her and the girl from 2 to confront each other. It is a brutal and quickly turns into a hand to hand deseprate fight to survive. She breaks one of Johanna's ribs and Johanna manages to end it with a rock.
For it, they wrap her in leather and rebrand her; Johanna Mason, Victor.
#»🪓—Johanna Mason | MUSINGS.#.my brain is a bit foggy today but this felt like good writing exercise to wake up and get some thoughts down#I wrote like 90% of this forever ago too which helped lmao
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i love call it love i miss having a kdrama that we're all experiencing together 🥹
#call it love#or at least a kdrama that i was experiencing with everyone bc the popular ones on tumblr recently were Not For Me#(side eyes my filtered tags)#the last time i felt like this was mln which feels like FOREVER ago (and it almost is)
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rant incoming, see prev post (transphobia tw)
#i didn't want to add on to the prev post but yeah that kinda hit home#i came out as trans to my parents about 2 months ago#i was so scared to tell them for years exactly because of what prev post was talking about#i had no idea how they'd react#and then when i finally told me they said they needed time#which sure i understand that#and the first week they still talked about it but in this way that felt like i was the cause of all their suffering#and why would i do something like that to them?#and you're not really going to mutilate yourself are you (meaning medically transition)?#and you can't expect us to use different pronouns for you that's ridiculous#and how dare you even think about changing your name etc#and they say it's because they're worried about me#because what would other people think? what would the family say?#and surely no one will ever fall in love with you if you're trans#they think I'm purposefully setting myself up to be isolated from society forever#meanwhile they are the only one's who've reacted this badly#so that was all said the first week so naturally after that i was scared to bring it up again#and they haven't really talked about either since then#except for the way my mom keeps suggesting i dress more feminine and keeps buying me clothing from the female section#and send me pictures of girls with pixie cuts when i told her i wanted to change my hairstyle a bit#and during Christmas dinner my grandma brought up someone who I don't know who came out as trans#and spoke about how that person's mother or grandmother had reacted badly#and my mom was defending the transphobic person in that story#while i was sitting right there!!#meanwhile my aunt and grandma (who don't know I'm trans) where definding the trans person#and i just urgh like i know it's not easy for them but they just make me feel so guilty like I'm somehow ruining their lives#and i feel stupid for wanting that unconditional love and support from my parents#like they'll say they love me but it feels so hollow when they won't even acknowledge this major part of me#and i really just don't know how to feel about it all#vince talks
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#tbh I hate that I like this guy#a week ago he changed my life by kissing me and I’ve never been more confused#it’s driving me nuts#everything was fine and now I’m a mess#i mean it’s really pointless liking him bc he’s not single lmao#and he literally lives hundreds of miles away#but there was some sort of connection and I’ve never felt anything like it before???????#it was like we’ve known each other forever and we could talk about anything#AND HE KEPT LAUGHING AND MY STUPID JOKED WHICH WERE ***NOT*** FUNNY#and I can’t message him anywhere bc I don’t have his number and this idiot managed to get locked out of his instagram account#so I will have to wait until he gets that back lmao if ever#i hate it here#why do i even fucking bother#this isn’t going anywhere#I’m sad#rant over#personal
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